Do you ever feel like just being done with people? Not a person, people. All of them. Days where all of it is just too much hassle, too much pain, too much effort to continue being engaged or playing the game. I have these moments when I feel like I could walk away from every friend I have ever had, leave behind everything just so I could be done with all of it. Alone. When every utterance is an annoyance and every meeting an irritation. Done.
Days where no one knows or sees the struggle to keep my sweet smile and thoughtful disposition. When no one would suspect that I’d just as soon be on fire then smiling and talking to them.
Days when my (perception of my) husbands own agenda is more selfish than I can bear, and his voice and life’s concessions rip away at my outsides, singe my mind and I want to scream and yell and throw things and drive off in a flurry only to crash the car into as many things as she can take on before she is broken and failing…
Then I grab hold of myself, get ready to run and jump and leap with abandoned into my destruction, unleash havoc. At that last second is when I (always,[ so far,])suddenly realize…I have not had a real workout or good hard run today!
Honestly this is how I feel right now…and it’s TWO days since I last had a killer run and workout. (I miss you Sunday) I have had work and doctors appointments and junk rammed into my day, my family is hiding and I am in no hurry to find them. (I feel better just admitting it.)
The thing I have going for me is that no one ever believes me that I am really as riled up and pissed off as I feel. Pretty much people laugh at me (my husband’s laugh is sometimes a nervous laugh, nonetheless, he always manages a laugh) and smile and tell me how sweet I am and how funny…or silly…I guess I don’t come across as a raging lunatic, that’s good I suppose…That or I scare the shit out of them and they are just checking for exits and plying me with kindness…
As for my husband, he’s not perfect but honestly, I do not know how he puts up with me. I guess I am going to go attempt a run, reshuffle the deck, before I hurt someone. 🙂