My Very Own Listicle–How to Win Her Heart

Not testicle you pervs, Listicle.

A combination of a list and an article, wha-la: listicle! They are all the rage right now, everyone’s doing one; apparently a large faction of you are also doing something called a Fire Challenge too so it’s obvious that while everyone’s doing it, it may not be the best idea. What the heck! Seems like a listicle is less harmful than a fire challenge. So here’s mine.

NOTE

I saw a listicle on how to win a girl’s heart, it was lame.
I’m an old snarky hag I guess and not a girl, here’s what I would want.

12 Moves To Win Her Heart

1. Someone to dance with her.
Slow dance, shake-your-booty dance, swing dance, all night long dance.

2. Ask questions about her deepest thoughts and really want to know the answers.
Like wise, I want your dirty thoughts, your secret thoughts, your deep thoughts.

3. She doesn’t want to be the one leading you out of your comfort zone all of the time.
I need adventures to be my happiest, I need new things and hard (as in difficult, but not drama) things, I don’t want to be the one who has to drag you around hoping you’ll play along, surprise me, don’t overthink it lets just go!

4. She wants someone who’s got the heart of a gypsy and the courage of a lion.
Enough said.

5. Someone to help her plant the garden but also take care of it.
Get your hands dirty, and then be willing and interested enough to see our efforts to posterity. I’m so tired of everyone’s short attention span and inability to finish what they start.

6. She wants to be kissed just for the sake of kissing.

7. She wants someone who’s idea of a birthday present is something you’ve never done before. I want a place we’ve never explored or been to, or just something you did solely for me. Take a bath with me, sing a song to me, go climb cliffs with me, hike down to the whitewater, or swim in the ocean or jump from planes with me, no boxes, no bows, no cliches, or jewels. Blech. (Cake is good too…chocolate.)

8. To Be sung to, preferably by you. Preferably in private so I don’t pass out from embarrassment…If you’re bad at it turn up the background music nice and loud. 😉

9. Written about. Not all of the time, that’s creepy.

10. A back rub, a real back rub, the kind where you massage the spinal column…with your hands...

11. To laugh till her eyes leak and her sides hurt.
(Here’s a secret, if you could only do one of these!! This is it right here, hands down. People are too serious, too judgmental, too self absorbed, be fun.)

12. To not be held so tight that she never misses him.
There are a lot of misconceptions out there. Women don’t need to be owned, possessed, hugged and clung to or coddled…they need you to let them miss you, go slay some dragons. Come back with your heart pounding and your eyes on fire and sweep me off my feet…or her…whatever.

I might not be the most reasonable person but I am sure of this list. If it works for me it will work on your future woman too.

There you have it. The guaranteed top 12–a full dozen–ways to score the woman of your dreams…most importantly, be a prophet, not a disciple. If you want it to work it must be genuine, from your heart, not just a list you are checking off, not the ten (12) commandments! Moses didn’t need the Ten Commandments, he inherently knew how to be good.

When you find your future woman and win her heart, you’re welcome.