Does anyone else see what I see?
I mean, we mom’s we certainly can do everything dad’s do and usually do it better. After all I’ve been watching, I have seen how you guys dress your kids. If you really want to be as great at this as us moms then letting him wear his favorite hole riddled pair of tennis shoes-sockless, a dirty shirt from yesterday, and plaid shorts in this kind of weather, isn’t helping your case.
I am also going to bust you on the box of cold cereal for breakfast when you’re on morning duty…except that one guy…I think he made waffles for breakfast…on a school day. Don’t worry dads, he’s an overachiever, he also made scrambled eggs once to show off and probably oatmeal with raisins. Meh, no one likes a show-off … the rest of you (even that one guy most days) I see your lack of ambition when it comes to the general care of our children.
For example: raise your hand if you ever give/gave your littles a bath? Good, you’re mostly all patting yourself on the back, enjoy that moment. Keep your hand up if you used soap. Uh-huh, as I suspected, there goes the bulk of you. Now, the real test, keep it up if by “soap” you don’t mean a bubble bath or washing their backs (only) by drizzling on some baby soap. Yep, that is what I thought. Just that one guy, again. Ha. Well what about the inch of water you just let them splash all over the bathroom floor? Who is going to mop all of that up? (The three towels laid on top is not mopping, btw) Explain why a water fight seemed like a good idea? Again. Oh … yeah … sure I do, I remember when you sprayed the kids down with the hose and called it a bath, and when you took them to the pool and called it a bath. You’re pathetic.
On top of it, you can’t manage to get clothes folded and put in the right drawer or closet. I know I am right on this one. I find my own things stuffed, willie-nillie, into the (boy) six year olds dresser. I know there are some of you who don’t even attempt to put laundry away, let alone wash it. Besides, every time you do do laundry it seems like you get sidetracked in a pillow fight that messes up our bed and usually one kid is crying when it’s all said and done…try to stay focused, please. If it helps we can label everyones drawers and shelves for you.
Come to think of it you’re about as competent when it comes to putting away the dishes and the groceries. I guess we are just lucky that us moms are so good at finding stuff, otherwise we would all starve to death. Funny thing you always seem to know where the remote is (I won’t out you that I don’t watch tv or fly the drone whichever it is you’re doing) Too busy undoing all your chaos, ensuring that we survive one more day.
Someone has to separate the dinner forks from the salad forks and cut the crust off of lunches for tomorrow, retrieve your socks from under the couch, and wipe off the counters, then mop. Don’t tell me how you just now cleaned the kitchen; loading the dishwasher and taking out the trash does not constitute cleaning the kitchen. Can’t say for certain, and yet it seems that we all like clean things, or claim to. In real life, however, you actually don’t have the expertise to vacuum or mop, among other things, maybe you just don’t know where the supplies are. I’ll show you … again …
I mean honestly, I’ve had it. You’re too caught up in reliving your childhood. I watch. Pay attention, talk to other kids and moms. When you goto the store you’re not focused on shopping, you are goofing off. The shopping cart is not a race car or a jet…especially not a rocket. That is just too dangerous. When you are preparing a meal you should be setting the tone for a nice time around the table and practice using forks, spoons and napkins, (you could use the practice too) not starting a food fight, playing armpit banjo, squeezing in a quick video game with the kids, or blasting your loud butt-rocker music into the ears of our babies. No, learning to play the air guitar is not a life skill. Don’t argue. Neither is learning to throw a spiral (especially in the house…even if it’s nerf) You need to take this stuff seriously.
I probably don’t have time even to discuss your bedtime routine. Suffice it to say that bouncing-off-the-wall, tickle monster parties and pillow fights are not how you get everyone to relax and fall asleep. Backrubs, stories and soft singing, after putting on jammies AND brushing teeth, if you’re going to do it right. We will just leave it at that.
When I goto work and you have the day home with the kids, it’s awesome that you all went to play, seriously you should consider just going to the park though…they get tired of that after an hour or two. All day on that bikeride or those days you guys went “fishing” or drove out the beach, hiked in the forest, built a fort, got inner tubes and floated the river…that’s dangerous, I hope you used sunscreen and life vests…or last week when you guys did nothing but sit and eat pizza, watch movies and play legos, and you taught them that dumb song about shaking their bum…really? What the heck?
“Son-of-a-gun.” I remember I said to one of the boys when I got home to your epic floor picnic. Except that little devil, he shot back, “NO. You mean, Son-of-a-Fun!”
And herein lies the truth. I love you for remembering to play and to laugh and for teaching our kids. I know your job is hard and its generally not fun. I know in my heart that there are things I should let go of…even if I would like my running shorts in my own drawer, not the kid’s … we make a good team, and balance each other. You know what? I like to laugh too and I like to have fun. You help me remember that and that salad forks don’t care where they live and grated cheese is overrated, and we can just buy twist offs and eat the vegetable skins. You laugh at the tooting and teach them to burp words, and I’ll just keep rolling my eyes, but secretly I know that we all need to laugh. So please, keep playing rough, keep changing all the lyrics, and keep all your whacky priorities. Go to the gym instead of mopping again. Us moms can’t do it all and we can’t do it better. You have your own special thing that you need to impart. You are a good dad, Son-of-a-fun I love your wild heart. Happy Fathers Day.
Matilda the Moonraker 